The Sine Curve Will Flatten, One Day!

Happy new year to all!!!

What did I do? Went to landmark, bought myself a book (Inside out – a personal history of Pink Floyd) and stayed there for a couple of hours. Came back, had dinner and slipped in my bed and watched a movie and talked! Talked to myself for a little more time. Checked my phone for those few texts (Thanks people, sorry for not replying I still love you all)

What went by was a huge year, an insane sine curve for me. Success followed by failure followed by more success and more failure. Exams, interviews, job, family, friends, love,health, self and now when I look back it sometimes seems like enough material for a purist bollywood movie or a certain betan chagat book (name changed for legal reasons). Sometimes I feel so surprised that with all this lethargy and slug how I end up in situations.

Few things about the gone cycle around of the sun:

1. At least 10 times this year I looked up and said, you are a bloody awesome scriptwriter and unimaginably witty controller, and I am saying that again. God, you are god!

2. Career-wise I had the chance to break the shackles and go to IRMA and do what I always wanted to do with my life. The guy mentioned in part 1 aint create any more John Galts amongst the bourgeoisie! I don’t always, but this time I do mildly regret about what I choose.

3. A beautiful phase of my life ended, I knew it had to but it was so sudden and unexpected that it left me stranded. Anyways, I was too excited about the whole XL thing that time so it helped me. But the worst thing is, I took no lessons. Shucks shucks shucks!!!!!!

4. An year or less mindfucks, less blog-posts, less self-bashing poetry, more MS office, less postsecret readings, less nihilistic delusion, more tranquility, less restlessness, more conformity, more sleep, less randomness, more relatedness, less itch, less kilos, more losses.

5. I have always believed that a person totally transmogrifies in a span of 3-4 years. And its that time for me to reassess the belief. Yes, certainly! But as a learned friend of mine said, there is always a need of a some certainty and some constancy in our lives. Indeed, there is. And thats what I am moving towards and thats what scares me even more. Uncertain is beautiful, visible is despicable.

What’s in store for me now. I am not sure, as a continuation of the previous post the quest to reclaim is at the high. Currently sitting at the top of the sine curve, but the time periods have been dramatically low. So, lets hope that the top of the sine curve flattens this time for the better.

Meanwhile, great wishes for everyone. May there be happiness, may there be peace, may there be light, Amen!

May be, Just!

A certain anxious period of six months just flew by leaving me more thoughtless than amused! Also went by two terms at xlri, 14 courses, 16 faculties and around 400 hours of classroom gyan with 240 batchmates and 180 seniors. A soul-stirring trip to a couple of far from road villages in Jharkhand into the naxal reign and dense forests, another trip to a hidden base camp and forced-upon-me adventure and this being more of a body-stirring experience after the more deep and meaningful one in the previous week. A mixture of goodbye to old friends, welcome to new friends, getting tested by a lot of them, unperturbed, unmoved, watching them come and go, calmly as ever! (Background score: We never change – Coldplay).

Playing with the expectations in the meantime, everybody’s and mine. Trying to continuously fiddle with the pseudo-ness which has become grander than ever under the cover of self proclaimed claims of creativity and uniqueness and humor and what not, ahh, what intense pride. (Background score: I am mine – Pearl Jam). Uncertainty galore, like never before, and intense with passing time. Anyways, we were talking about the time that flew by! Dragging back to the reel!

Time is passing by and will continue to until one decides to take the fulcrum under his control. Every now and then it clicks and one feels like reclaiming his life. Right now looks like the perfect time to do so. Certainly! One needs to reclaim his life, but how? Is it in the movies, oh may be yes. Saw ‘the city of lost children’ and that helped me out of the gloom for those 1 hour and 47 minutes during the movie and those 40 minutes post the movie while I was reading about it.  Or is it in the books or in blogs or in net or in cricket or in education or in family or in love, where, where is the soul, where do we go to reclaim our lives? (Background score: Shine on you crazy diamond – Floyd)

I think I know, it’s in the quest! Yes, it’s in the quest of it. One needs to keep searching keep the quest on, keep googling life on the surface of earth and keep hoping not to find it. Because at the time when he finds it, it will be over.  Things will continue to swindle one, he will need to decipher these deceits and walk.  Temptations would surge like tides and would swipe away the silent beaches on your mind like they have always done (Background score: Tears in the rain – Joe Satriani), but go on and test yourself J. You are the one!

What I was and what have I become and what I would have wanted to be!

Reservoir

ek nashe ki dukaan khol lee hai is monsoon maineShadow
ek badi botal lee aur saare din nichod kar sharbat banaya
Fir ek khatte ras ki botal bharee, kuch shararaton se nikal kar
aise kaafi saara nasha ikathha ho gaya hai mere paas
ab roz koi ek botal chun kar zindagi mein gholta rehta hoon
kuch din aur chalega ye, fir woh aakhri botal kholni padegi
ek aakhri chhoti si botal, jisme saare vaade pighla ke daale the
socha tha, ye nasha to saari umra chalega.
Kal shaam jab us shishi ko ulat kar dekha to pata chala ki khaali hai,
Fir yaad aaya, us din jab woh jaa rahi thee to kaha tha usne,
pyas lagi hai aur door jaana hai tab woh mein hi to tha jisne
khushi khushi paani mein mila kar woh vaade pila diye the use.

Ab nasha bhi khatam hai, aur ye khaali botlein,
aur ye khaali botlein bewajah ki baaton jaise mujhse poochti rehti hai
nasha khatam kab hua tha jo ab nasha shuru karne ki baat karte ho

Fourteen September Two Thousand Six AD

Dangling on the threshold of the 3 minutes of alarm’s snoozes,
dragging myself out of the live sleep,
and dressing myself with the dead life,
I seldom realize that the transitions are tough.

We transit everyday in our chewing gum lives,
continuosly, unintentionaly and forecefully,
losing flavour street by street along the path,
and reaching the end, being all the same.

I am suprised by the impulsive energy spikes
when u start aiming for the sky
is this a trivial harmonic imbalance
or another fancy movie showing life.

And, by the end of the day,
a bed agin waits for you, warm, inviting
and it quietly utter in your left ear,
another day vanishes, like the rest of them
today’s movie is over,
its time to go back to sleep
its time to go back to your life

The Anatomy Of Vacuum

Finding meaning from nowhere
searching silences in the crowd
pretending to be you
suffocating my thoughts
its tough to breathe
in the air of uncertainty
and the globe keeps rotating
while my conscience shrugs
The eyes avoid the important
stick to the obvious, the illusive
I listen to the noise,
avoiding the words
and i leave life hanging, incomplete
to feel the emptiness, the inadequacy
the vacuum in my self,
in the soulless entities,
the hollow bodies in and around me

I leave it to get completed,
hunting accomplishment undefined
by itself or by force,
by force of lame imaginations
and it remains unattended,
to be forgotten like unread fiction
time and time again, forgotten

It changed me

Just writing about some things that I think changed me, or at least a part of me

A Writer and two books: Fountainhead/Atlas Shrugged, yes it did make a difference, and it does make a difference in the great domain of lower minds, the indispensable engine of this world. After reading them, a lot of us start idolizing Howard Roark , in this great competitive circus, where everyone is so proudly replicating Peter Keating lives, these old fictions come up as a reality check, as an honest mirror display! There is one more impact Ayn Rand has on your thought process and that is the ignition of the ‘so-what’ mindset. And believe me, the ‘so-what’ mindset is far calmer that the ‘what-if’ mindset.

A Bank: Another book that impacted me immensely is the freshly completed ‘Banker to the poor’, which talks about Grameen bank, its genesis, functioning, people, and a lot of things about it. For someone who has believes that the world economy is depressingly polar, this story came as a hammer, and a followed up relief. Very motivating and logical. The biggest question that has been asked to the world still remains “How do we eliminate poverty from the face of the world”, in our lifetimes; a few answers like Grameen bank will help. Amen!

A Movie: I love movies, from ek ruka hua faisla to Amelie, from the incredibles to Raincoat, from Memento and the butterfly effect to Ghost World, I love them all. They entertain me to the core. And in this midst of all these great movies and the great directors, arrived ‘Into the Wild’, the only movie that I have gone back again and again and again. I just can’t get enough of it. And even if the movie’s magnetic field diminishes, the music and lyrics of this movie takes over. I once told about this movie to my simple very motherly mother, she quietly asked me ‘Everything’s ok son?’, she surely loves me a lot :). Time to quote from a song from the movie

When you want more than you have, you think you need…
and when you think more then you want, your thoughts begin to bleed.
I think I need to find a bigger place…
cause when you have more than you think, you need more space.

A Person: Ravi Gulati. Met him only twice, and I am a fan of his, admiration comes up naturally for this IIM A graduate who runs a subtle NGO called Manzil based in Delhi where he teaches under privileged kids necessary skills.  One of most humble persons you will ever meet, and he will surely make you rethink and ask ‘What am I doing?’, anyways I think I am still young, and I cant run away saying that for a long time. Though I admire him a lot, but I wouldn’t say that he changed me, in that category only one person can fall, and that’s ‘She’, call it obvious, call it bourgeoisie, call it rule-of-world, but I am a different person when I am with her, a different person for her. We are two different ends of this world, but it clicks and it clicks pretty well for our comfort. I am always asking questions, feeling sad, wanting to do this to do that, and she has a pretty simple solution to my mental turbulences – ‘Why do you think so much’ and thus she conveniently shuts me off. But I guess it’s time for me to tell her on a public platform, thanks for being there!

There are more things that changed me, events, more people, my stay at my college DA-IICT, my stay at Mumbai and Bangalore, troubled times at home, my dad’s drinking habit and his management skills, and perhaps a few more. And my own belief that a person changes completely in a span of 4-5 years, lets see, if that continues to happen.

This is not a tag post, but i would like if some of my blogmates pen a similar post, it would be interesting, so requesting the following to pen the same:

Luthra, Shakti, Ankit, Richa, Naresh, Navin, Kamiya, Steve, Biraja, eesha, Desh, Vineet, Prateek

S….ca…tt..e……r….e…..d

This happened once back in time, so let me try to get back to blogging with nostalgia. Time to reflect on some past and ask, why and how?

Monday, November 20, 2006
S….ca…tt..e……r….e…..d

There is hardly anything i cant do,
There is hardly anything i can do properly,
I am all over the place,
scattered..
like a three year old kid’s lost marbles on the floor,
and most of them in the farthest corners of the room,
under the bed,in the glass pot,
out of the veranda,
scattered…
and these marbles will not be recollected till evening,
when someone comes, takes trouble,
cursing the kid, kissing his cheeks,
and returns him those marbles back,
only for him to lose them again.
He loves this process, his daily recreation,
I lose myself, I find it again,
itching the remote corners of my head,
its my life,its my sport,
my amusement is my brain.

posted by BlahBlahKid at 6:03 AM